Conscious of Silence

I am aware that I have mentioned nothing about today being September 11th. I really just don't have anything to say. It is desperately horrific and I am inexplicably affected by the loss of Paul. I made a mental note last night to remember my last night with him which was September 10th. We went out for coffee and dessert. He told me that his grandfather had made a delicious dinner for him that night. I can't remember what dessert he had. Maybe baclava.. or was that me... I think it had strawberries in it. Maybe that is just wishful thinking. Strawberries are so promising. I try not to wonder what would have happened if we had made it a later evening and he didn't go in early to work. I mean, what's the point of what if's...

I'm sorry that I don't care about the broader affects of trying to live each day as if it is your last. I really find living life like that too depressing anyway. If it was my last day I would be too depressed to leave my house. Well, I really don't leave my house... so maybe I do live life like that.

I am so sorry for anyone who lost someone. I would hold your hand if you were here.